Questions from Parents: How to Seek Help from a Counselor to Care for Your Teen

We asked clinical social worker Feliz Fraser for her expert advice on finding the right counselor and how. 

Q:  I am struggling with my kid’s reaction to a separation. It seems that now the trust my kid had in us likely has been broken. Should he be seeing a counselor?

Felicidad: Absolutely. Because think about what it is: you have a relationship, and he only knows that relationship and that relationship falls apart, for whatever reason, good or bad, it falls apart. And kids by design want to make their parents happy. So, now you have a broken relationship and, “Okay, when I’m with Dad, I’m going to make dad happy. With Mom, I’m going to make mom happy.” And so, the loyalty is to no one. They’re afraid to speak up because they don’t want to hurt either parent. And so, they say nothing, and they internalize. 

When you say counseling, we shouldn’t say it as a punishment. You’re not going to counseling because there’s something wrong with you. We’re going to counseling because I want to give you a different avenue, unbiased, that you can talk to somebody freely without having to feel like you have some loyalty to one or the other. It’s a free space for you to just be uniquely you and not have to worry about pleasing anybody, just share what you’re feeling.

“When you’re looking for a counselor, it has to be a good fit. You don’t have to stay with one person just because that’s the only person that you find.”

Q: Do you have any direction to share with parents about how to find a counselor? And what if I can’t afford a counselor?

Felicidad: If you have insurance, you can go through your insurance. If you choose not to use your insurance, ask a friend, go to Psychology Today, go to the National Association of Social Workers, go to the American Psychological Association. Just go to any of the public boards where they have listings. Go on Facebook — believe it or not — the Graduate School of Social Work’s Friends and Resources page, there’s a Denver Therapist Connection page. There is the crisis line. It’s 493-TALK where they can refer you.

And a lot of therapists, counselors, whatever their designator is, now do pro bono work. So, just look everywhere, don’t stop looking.

And, when you’re looking for a counselor, it has to be a good fit. You don’t have to stay with one person just because that’s the only person that you find. Don’t stop until your soul is settled, until you go, “Ah, this is the person I need to speak to. This is where I need to be.”