Easing the Impact of Divorce on Teens

Addressing their feelings about divorce is something that’s important at any age, and there are books and counseling available to help. Sometimes just being open to listening to all their thoughts — the potential sadness, anger, and confusion — can be enough, but our kids at various times worked with therapists too.

In terms of our living arrangement, there are lots of common dual household schedules that divorce attorneys and counselors encouraged, all based on the idea that the children move between domiciles, splitting their world in two.

What we realized very quickly was that our children hated switching houses. We eventually landed on a schedule that had them move between houses in a staggered fashion, rather than as a collective group.

I rotated having one child spend an extra day at my house (sometimes by the other two going back to their mother’s house early). My goal was to have “solo time” where I could really focus on that child. Eventually, that also grew into annual single-child holidays, particularly beneficial when their maturation levels were so dramatically different.

Too often, divorced parents end up interacting with their children as a pack, which makes it exceptionally difficult to really get to know each of them as unique individuals, especially at their critical age as teens.

As they get older and are pulled into school activities and their own social lives, it’s even more important to prioritize that one-on-one time, which was exactly the benefit of our rather unusual schedule.

What I learned from books by experts and from talks with fellow divorcing parents was that having emotional support and a healthy outlet for the unexpected waves of emotion are critical.

It’s okay to get upset, and perhaps even angry at your ex. But it’s the job of another adult, therapist, spiritual advisor, or friend, to help you work through these challenges, not your teen’s

My personal journey in this regard included joining two different group therapy programs, one focused on the journey of divorce and another focused on managing the anger and frustration I felt in those first few years.

My goal was always to move beyond the first of my divorce emotions because, frankly, they were awful. And how did they impact my children? I am perhaps fortunate that they tell me they don’t have many memories of that first post-divorce year. It wasn’t pretty.

Oh, and one final bit of advice: Try to keep a sense of humor about things.

It’s easy to slide into a mindset where everything that happens is so important, but having your teen yell at you isn’t always cause for World War III, especially as they navigate their own emotions.

Laughter is also a tremendous tool for diffusing tense situations too. When your teen is feeling angry or frustrated about something you’ve done, laugh at the situation and you’ll be surprised how often they’ll join in on that unexpected and de-escalating behavior.

If nothing else, it helps them recognize you value their experience and prioritize more than conformance with your rules.

Most of all, good luck. Divorce is very difficult, and you’re going to be on a roller coaster of emotions and experiences, both with your ex-spouse and your teens.

Take a deep breath, buckle up, and focus on creating the most positive experience possible for them while remembering to give yourself permission to grieve and nurture yourself too.